Shalom, Shizam!
As I wander in the darkness and light that is my heart and mind I have begun to wonder why it is that God puts up with me. I simultaneously pursue light and dark, peace and war in the battlefield of my mind and my heart. I guess they go together much like ying and yang, both separate things that coexist and draw on their existence by the existence of the oWork ther. Darkness has no definition without light, and visa versa.
As I exculpt my hearts reasoning and my minds logic I realize that the dark and painful paths that I walk so often are as a result of the sin that exists in my soul. I would love to say that since I have trained for ministry, and because I work in ministry, that I have handled the sin. Unfortunately that is not, nor ever will be true. It is painful. It is disappointing.
I have been having good times with God. Amy and I have been going through a lot and God has shown me some wonderful things, yet we are back at sqare one after a long battle, and it is in large part my fault. I know better, I should have known better, and I still did what I did without thinking of the ramifications it has on others. I am selfish and egocentric.
Given all this, I am profoundly thankful that God has put Amy in my life. We all need a partner, a friend, a confidant in our lives. God uses the wisdom of the other to teach us more about ourselves. Samir Selmanovic gives a great talk called “Finding our God in the other” and in it he reminds us to constantly look to the voices of others for wisdom. Not just a partner or friend, but sometimes he even uses someone on the outside of our normal day to day existence to show us something.
Faith is growth, growth is painful, so sometimes faith is painful. I love and hate it. Growing in faith is the excercise that we all need to be constantly and vigilantly engaged in.
All this to say, pray for me please. I have been very ill (pneumonia), Amy is in the middle of a health relapse and we are in a downward spiral. Work is going well, but I truly feel misunderstood and I am trying to redeem myself in the eyes of my supervisors. I will not tolerate feeling like people have me pigeon holed. I need them to see the motivation of my heart, and I need them to know I am hearing them loud and clear. Somewhere the communication lines are getting blurry. I love what I do, but I hate what I do at the moment.
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wow, carl. it sounds like you are going through a lot. i am sorry for the downward spiral for you and amy. i have been in places like that before, and it is really not easy.
what i appreciate about your heart is that you truly seek God’s face and the truth of your own heart. you seek growth. you seek authenticity, within yourself and with others. you seek truth.
Hey Carl, I prayed for you and Amy today. Thank you for your honest account of your journey.