Stress, what a mess!
“A healthy spirit conquers adversity…
(Prov 18:14 Msg)
Stress makes a mess out of things, and stress teaches us things. It reflects back to us what our priorities are and humbles us. I hate stress; I hate it because it causes me to navel gaze and ask myself the tough questions. Questions like; who am I? Who am I in Christ? What are my priorities in life? Why do I feel that to get ahead in life I have to chop block the guy ahead of me?
Over the last two weeks or so I have been becoming more nauseous, light headed and starting to feel much of the symptoms that having my brain renovated in 08 cured. It scared me to death because I was afraid I would have to have the surgery again, or that a complication to my recovery was coming. I was not very happy.
Tuesday morning I had a MRI of the brain and a follow up with the neurologist office. The good news is everything is working as it should. I still have space for my brain to move around and do the things it is supposed to do. No tumors, no tethered chord, nothing that they could note. So why the symptoms?
Stress!
Part of the reason this writing space has been more silent is because of the amount of things going on. After the Haiti earthquake and losing a friend from Compassion, after counting heads and seeing we lost children, after speaking with constituents who are in tears worried about their children day in and day out it started to wear me down. Add to that some issues with family members, every day issues with banks and insurance stuff, and pastoral duties to top it all off. I was overly stressed and did not even know it. It took an expensive MRI and a doctor to tell me that. And that I have 60 pounds to lose. I am going to miss my sugar I can tell already! But all these things became a bigger issue then they needed to be because I neglected a few basic things.
PRAYER- I just did not want to pray. Honestly, the questions we all grapple with as Christians were so fore front in my mind, that instead of running to God and asking the questions, I turned my head for a time and decided to just grapple with it on my own. I do not suggest this approach, the mental attack alone will kick-your-butt.
MEDITATION- On the Word of God. Not doing the things I preach to others so much. Not taking some me time in the morning to read the word, wake up to His presence and just listen. It is in the still of the morning that I can hear God the best. Learning to “be still and know” is a constant struggle.
CONFESSION-to Amy, to God, to my Pastor. I believe that one of the biggest missing pieces in our spiritual lives today is confession. Confession means owning up to our weaknesses, just flat out saying “I sinned” or “I am confused” or “why did you do this God?” We often think that to ask God questions is to admit we do not believe he has all the answers. Many pastors and friends have just told me “pray and submit Carl, His will is going to be done”. Part of that answer is right, but part of it is not. Pray and His will is going to be done, and we must submit, but that does not mean we need to wander in the darkness of not understanding. Ask questions, but remember to be still when God says “Quiet!”
One of the most misunderstood things about church is that we think we have it all figured out. So many pastors, teachers, evangelists and lay people rely on their orthodoxy or their theology for answers and just assume that they have it all right. This creates a conundrum for the believer because if we confess that we don’t know the answers we are afraid we will get Grudem’s 800 page book of Theology thrown at us and told to go study. I have a degree in Theology, and all I can tell you is that for just as many questions you answer, more questions avail themselves to you. It is incumbent on every believer to work through their salvation with “fear and trembling” remembering that the God we serve is deeper and wider than any doctrine, any belief, any knowledge that we proclaim to have. His ways are much higher than our ways. What we need to rest on the knowledge of is that God is always motivated by love.
I confess, here and now to you my readers that I have sinned. I have relied upon myself and not God, I have fought the good fight and lost in a massive way. I have asked the questions, and looked for answers in all the wrong places. In short, I have not lived up to some of the things I speak on this blog about. Can you forgive me? Can you allow me room to grow in this space? Can I ask for your grace?
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Yes, my friend, you can have all the room you need to grow in this space. Grace is freely given, and forgiveness (to the extent that one sister in Christ can affirm the forgiveness of Christ to a brother) is granted.
I’m glad you shared these things here … the update on your brain scan (I had missed some of that through Facebook postings … sometimes I have a hard time keeping up!), the stress of the realities of Haiti on your Compassion life, the honesty about confession and not having it all figured out, and the questions about whether it’s okay to confess and need forgiveness.
I, too, have sinned. I have loved myself more than my God. I have worried more than trusted and released. I have judged and coveted and wanted my own leg up. I’m sorry, God. Please forgive me, too.